He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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