Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
