I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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