I CAN MOONWALK!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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