Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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