This is not my ceiling
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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