Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
