Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
