She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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