Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
