I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
