I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
