what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
