I think I won the penis lottery.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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