Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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