420 ftw
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
