i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
