I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
