I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
