Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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