I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
