If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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