Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
