if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
