Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
