why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
