somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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