so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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