Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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