I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
