Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
