I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
