dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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