Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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