I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
