Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my sisters under your porch take her home
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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