checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
