Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
