I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
