My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
