Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My feet surprised me
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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