hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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