I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Randomize
