I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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