If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
