i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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