Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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