If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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