The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
