He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
