Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
